3 years to the day almost...a blogger comment finds its way to my inbox. Ive only been blogging for a little over 3 years. In the beginning... I subscribed to comments....to see what others said...and to read replies and to build online relationships. I didn't know then, that most bloggers don't reply to their readers comments. For me... it wasn't just about writing...it was about building relationships.
4 years ago...found me isolated and insulated from the world....as dad's 24/7 caregiver. I cared for him for 2 1/2 years. After the first year, a 'resistive' stroke left him paralyzed on one side. Before the stroke...he was in a car accident that left him brain damaged and unable to walk. He relearned how to dress himself and to walk. He walked with a walker...but he walked.
The resistive stroke compounded the brain damage and his mind couldn't allow him to relate to his own body. He could barely stand for transfers. His right leg was already weak from the accident. And it was as if his whole left side was amputated. Even when after much struggle... he would manage to ever so slightly move a finger on his paralyzed hand... he would see it move...and yet say..."but that's not my hand!" You can read about his first days back from 3 weeks of rehab ... here.
His mind was in a stupor! It lied to him... the truth was....he could move his hand...even arm....but his mind didn't believe it! Thus.... he remains an invalid to this day.
Finding myself 'homebound' ....and in my own state of 'stupor'...I turned to blogging. Blogging brought faces and relationship into my isolated world. I am most grateful for all who have passed this way... in these past 3 years. Many have become precious friends. For this reason....though I do not blog faithfully now...I will maintain this place as a connecting bridge for all who need an encouraging word....and to remember....the Lord's faithful right arm... to those that love Him.
Though I'm no longer dad's personal caregiver...I am still very isolated and insulated from the world. Caring for dad has changed me in ways I can't even begin to share with most of you. It was a very personal journey. I am not the same person that I knew me to be...
Sometimes... I feel like a 'little girl lost'. I cant seem to find me. At times, I wish I could sit in the presence of good friends and simply ask... "Who do you say that I am?" ..."I don't think I know me anymore, do you know me?"
But they know me ...only as who I used to be, before leaving my job and home...to move 1200 miles away for 3 years. They base who I am ... solely on who I was. They keep expecting me to emerge....to fly again...
but I am not that person!
I am different!
In fact, I don't seek to be that person anymore...even though I'm uncomfortable being 'different'.
Have you found yourself so changed by a circumstance or season, that you question who you are? Why you're here? Will you ever reemerge in confidence and strength...with a solid purpose?
Sometimes... even in our able bodies...our minds lie to us...
New Year's eve 'morning' found me in a stupor ....
Merriam-Webster's Definition of STUPOR
1 : a condition of greatly dulled or completely suspended sense or sensibility stupor 2 : a state of extreme apathy or torpor resulting often from stress or shock : daze
Medical Definition of STUPOR
: a condition of greatly dulled or completely suspended sense or sensibility stupor; specifically : a chiefly mental condition marked by absence of spontaneous movement, greatly diminished responsiveness to stimulation, and usually impaired consciousness
I was depressed ...
.....facing the ominous future. No job on the horizon...still .. a year later after caring for dad full time. No job in a world of unemployment....
I was and am deeply grieved....
For 'we the people'...one nation under God... a people that has forgotten God.... Turned our backs on God.... Ripped God right out of the very fabric of this nation. The gaping hole....threatens our freedom...our lives...our families...our homes....our children and grandchildren's future.
I don't own a TV. I choose to live in peace ...to allow my mind to hear my own thoughts and to discern the Lord's contemplative dialog with me. But...I have found alternative voices for mainstream media.....online. Life as we know it....is about to change. Are you prepared for change? Do you know yourself well enough to weather the change?
The one definable difference ...in me ...from 3 years ago, is my deeply personal ...relationship with my Savior... Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit...the comforter. He always...faithfully knows exactly how to bring me out of my stupor!
This is how He came to me on the last day of 2012.... through an unknown blogger's comment ...that landed in my inbox.... as a Holy Spirit initiated invitation to revisit the corresponding post... that my spirit might be refreshed. He KNEW...I would!
On 01/10/10....... On Kerri's photo blog...."a little bit of me".... In response to her posting of a beautiful goldfinch ...with a quote from Harold B. Melchart....
"Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point. Climb slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment; and the view from the summit will serve as a fitting climax for the journey." ~Harold B. Melchart
I wrote in the comment section.....
"....If we stumble and tumble to the meadow below, the views are spectacular even then. Whether looking up at the summit or across the grassy meadow, keep the goal in sight and you'll never lose your way.
Circumstance has a way of forcing us to see the path with a different set of eyes, different perspectives from different vantage points. But we should not allow circumstance to rob us of the joy that the journey bestows...."
~ Patrina <')>><
January 10, 2010 7:37 PM
This was a 'timely' reminder. A dose of my own medicine. It found its way to me on the wings of a dove...the Holy Spirit! It was the first thing I read new Years eve morning ...before getting out of bed. It lighted on me and awakened me from my stupor...because an unknown blogger from Lake Macquarie, NSW Australia...found Kerri's post of 3 years ago...that I had subscribed to...and added a comment.
And so.. today, I am very aware of these 'different' set of eyes...that he's given me. I am aware that I see things differently because of the paths that He has placed me on. I view life from these different seasons and circumstances. I'm aware of these different perspectives...because I had not yet entered such a life transforming season as the past 3 years. I am aware that this past season has changed me. I'm aware that the Holy Spirit will not waste a day...of this past season....but will use it to propel me into His future plan for me.
Today, He reminds me of my own words... words written when I was not in a stupor... but full of hope....like on an altar... He lays them out for me ... to remember.
Don't ever think that the 'words' that you write... the feelings that you describe... the experiences that you share right here in blog-villa ....are nothing but words... they have the power to travel the world ...ministering hope and encouragement... and yet land right smack dab in the middle of your island....and minister life to you!
Today, I celebrate the ending of 2012 and look faithfully towards 2013...with all of you. Knowing that you are still just a click away...gives me strength and HOPE to keep on keeping on.
Thank you for befriending me...thank you for listening to me...thank you for returning again and again... to my island....and sharing your lives with me.
Peace be unto you....may it settle in your hearts and flow outward to those around you....May you know the sweet fragrance of Christ that abides within.
blessings for the new year!
Thank you to my newest blogger....Carol M for being used by God to awaken me ...to remind me...to assure me....to challenge me... With my own words.
I am deeply grateful!
Kerri can be found at...
Carol can be found at...
his warrior bride in boots