Write My Answer On A Billboard Large And Clear

~ I'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon.
I'll wait to see what God says ~ Habakkuk 2:1-2

Aug 26, 2012

What Do You Hold In Your Hand.... That The Lord Wants To Release?

photo by patrina's pencil 2012

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

Psalm 42:2 NIV

photo by patrina's pencil 2012

 Zephaniah 3:14-17

14) Sing, O Daughter of Zion;

shout aloud, O Israel!  Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem!

15) The Lord has taken away your punishment,he has turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm.

16) On that day they will say to Jerusalem, “Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp.

17) The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”  NIV

Today, sorrow envelops me. I am HELD.

Sitting in this specific place that the Lord has provided for me for this season - with gray hairs crowning my head, I cup my face in my hands, and speak ever so affectionately...

I Love you Mama!

I Love You Mama!

Tears, carving tiny streams down my face, saturate these hands....and I am washed ... again, in the sorrow of missing her.


Instantly, I am visited by the One who holds my future just as tenderly as He holds my past. He gently embodies my heart and takes me to the ICU at Wesley Medical Center in Wichita KS. - where ten years ago, mama lay in rendered silence - mute from a sudden neurological coma.

In this room, the Lord miraculously ministered to our independent souls. We became as God intended - Mother and Daughter - bound by a love that He formed in me before I was ever an egg in my mother's womb!

Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

I had just read to her - in the silence of her ICU room - the children's book - "The Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn - A book introduced to me by grandson. He was just a little tike then, but the message I received from him was Huge!

"Never fear, I will always love you grandma"

As I prepared to impart this same message given me ... To my now silent mama, to impart the KISS of LOVE into the palm of her hand ... that I might imprint upon her cheek and within her heart - that eternal message ....

I love you mama!
Never fear, I will always love you.

And as the Lord held us there ... in space and time...

... in silence and slow motion, as I stood all starry-eyed beside her bed - mama, in a totally 'out of character' moment, began to pull her left hand out from beneath the covers - eyes still closed to the coma and illness that had suddenly came upon her a week earlier.

Her previous unresponsive body was responding to...




A Healing Stream began to flood my body. From head to heart - I was being washed with an undefined, indescribable LOVE.... as I witnessed mama struggling to render her own weakened hand in response to my proposed gift. From her silent prison walls, she responded to my heart's desire... with her heart's desire.











This miraculous encounter - still, 10 years later, chokes my breath away with relentless whole body sobbing! May I never take for granted - the undeniable POWER source of the HOLY SPIRIT  - that shored up and supported my mama's heart - and hand - in that decisive moment!

And then....

Cupping her hand in both of mine, I bowed my cheek to her fragile palm and just rested it there ... in the peace of that moment.

With tears filling and running over her stretched out hand, I planted my heart-filled kiss in the middle of the puddle - and gently guided the kiss-laced hand towards her cheek ...

I pressed it and held it there.



Never fear, mama ... I will always love you.
Do not be afraid, you are never alone.

Whenever you feel fearful or lonely,
just press my kiss against your cheek and remember ...
I love you mama,
I will always love you.

It was to be the last time that I spoke with her alive....
the last time that I touched her.
The last time I would speak 'I Love You' over her earthly presence.

Had I known ...
I would have stayed right there forever ...
Until the Lord ushered her home 2 weeks later. 

"Will the sorrow of our lost relationship ever go away?"
 I ask the Lord today. 

He encourages as He reminds me that SOMEDAY....

I'll turn and see her safely into the arms of Jesus, where she now reigns. That in itself is enough to transform my sorrow into JOY! But today, this sorrow has found a resting place in my soul. And I feel the need to hold it there. My eyes and ears and heart are open to what ever the Lord wants to show me in this state of sorrow.

And then ... 

With opened heart and hands - He comes and anoints me with spiritual eyesight. I am blessed to see .... that I'm finally free of this previously undefined emotional 'trauma' and debris that cluttered my relationship with mama ....all those years. I was never certain of Mama's love until that given HOLY SPIRIT moment in ICU - that miraculous moment when the Lord parted the waters and imparted to the both of us ... 












And ...typical of the Lord Jesus' relationship with me..... just as I prepare to bring this posting to a close, a chorus of sparrows ignite the air waves with their song. It is as if all Heaven is uniting with earth at this very moment! A huge crowd of witnesses rejoicing right outside my open front door. Their song is so mighty and melodious.

I strain to detect my mama's high soprano ...

I'm very aware of the tangible presence of God's
Heavenly family...
in my earthly plum tree.

My heart rejoices to hear mama ...
rejoicing over me with singing.

Thank you Lord for bringing Heaven to my front door... to sing over me with rejoicing! I am rejoicing with mama that she is safely home. Thank you too, Lord Jesus for showing your powerful healing presence in that ICU room when mama and I exchanged our LOVE.

butterflies Pictures, Images and Photos

Blessed be the name of the Lord. His mercies endure forever!

And so I ask you ....
What are YOU holding in your hand ...
What does the Lord, the One who tenderly holds your future as well as your past, want to release into the heart of another?
What are you waiting for? 
Release it!

The Lord wants to bless you, as you reach out your hand to someone in need.  Did you know... that in Christ Jesus, what you hold in your hand can become a 'lifesaver' to another who is drowning? Everybody holds something that someone else needs. God puts it in our hands...not to selfishly hold onto...but to give it away! 

Open your heart ...
and your hand will automatically unfold.

Trust the Lord of the Universe...
with what you hold in your hand.

Name it?

What have you been holding onto...
in that tightly closed fist of yours?

The unspoken heart renderings

of a past hurt or grudge?

In the spirit of Healing ...
Release the gift of forgiveness and walk in LOVE.

A disagreement

that has wedged between two souls?

In the spirit of Harmony ... 
Release the gift of safe relationship and walk in LOVE.

Has your heart and soul

experienced deep Betrayal ?

In the spirit of Forbearance ... 
Release the gift of forgiveness and walk in LOVE.

Maybe you've been victimized,

taken advantage of? 

In the spirit of healing... 
Release the gift of forgiveness and walk in LOVE.

What is the Lord specifically asking of you? 
Don't delay! 
Do it today! 
There is overwhelming power
in the spirit of LOVE and FORGIVENESS.

God offers His hand ... His Healing Holy Kiss to YOU today.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16 NIV

The One who holds the whole universe in the palm of His hand loved us enough to give His Life as a ransom for all our wrong doings and meanderings - and declares us spotless - white as snow - FREE. He will bless you, as you become that undeserved Blessing to another soul just like me... just like you.

Do it today!

Healing abounds to those with open hearts and hands. So open your heart and unfold your hand. Let the Lord cover you with His healing touch today. 

Run to Him.... 
You won't regret it! 
He will rejoice over you with singing. 

The Lord your God is with you,he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

On a side note: 

It wasn't until 3 years after Mama's home-going, that I recounted this 'blessing of the kissing hand' story to my sister, who was with mama in my absence. Upon hearing the story, she shared something that held no meaning for her then. She recalled how mama, even in her rendered silence and neurological coma.... Often raised her hand to her face and just held it there.

Hearing this ... brought that same Healing Stream as before. Floods of healing waters covered me and HELD me with a powerful force that created musical heart renderings ...in that space and time.

My soul rejoices with Heaven

On Her death bed....
Mama and I -
Exchanged our LOVE

Healing can and does come to us - in unexpected ways -  even from behind our silent prison walls. God specializes in high walls and prison doors. If the Lord is speaking to you today....open your heart and unfold your hand. He longs to fill you with 'more than enough' to break you out of those self imposed prison walls. 

It's breakout time! 

Freedom awaits you on the outside!  

Even in death...Healing knocks at our front door.  

 May the healing power

of the The Kissing Hand 

rest upon you today! 

In His LOVE ...

We are made complete.


Prayerfully submitted,
His Warrior Bride in Boots


  1. How beautiful you had penned a moment so tragic and painful and how the Lord showed His presence. A miracle indeed but a reminder on your part of how truly He is faithful and there with you in those trying times. I love the way you are giving us a challenge to release what we have in our closed fists. How can we hold anything when the Lord Who saves is always quick to reach out with His arm to the point that He let the Father's love drive those nails and scarred Jesus' hands? So in His death we may live...

    It is just the right response to share with others what we received from Him. I love that in our weakest moment Jesus never fails to show His power. I remember when my mother was dying from a stroke. My brothers and I from USA and Europe were all able to call her and tell her how much we loved her. Despite her difficulty speaking at that point she responded. Words that were difficult to understand except for her children she loved and cared for. Words by His grace meant "love"... Glory be to our good God Who gives us that imperishable hope. One day we'll see our loving mothers again. And forever? Oh...Thank You Jesus!!! May your heart be comforted and strengthened by His love and your loving mom's memories. God bless.

    1. rcubes,
      You know first hand about unfolding your fists... to release whatever the Lord has to give through you ...to another soul.

      With these daily experiences, the Lord is refining our character to be used of Him.

      Yes, we will most definitely be reunited with our mothers...on that great and glorious day! I'm joyful to hear that your mother was able to express her love for all of you. That blessing will continue year after year, until you meet up with her in the sky.

      God is so good to us. So personal. So detailed and finite.

      I'm rejoicing over you with singing. Thank you so much for visiting and picking up the pencil to share your story.

      Blessing to you
      Patrina <")>><

  2. Thanking the Lord for you this day as I write this.....the gift you show us in your pain and rejoicing is always timely. He knows our hearts and the moment that we need to be stretched to do what will free us more in trusting Him. Your writings are a treasure and a gift. I will read this more than once....to search my heart. I feel stuck in this big house we are trying to move from....I feel buried in stuff and have got more to dig out from....I grow weary of the burden of things and too much property and decisions, and waiting to get into the next house...so much smaller.....which I welcome to try and become more free in.....I even become weary with the new spot.....slow workers with promises of finishing (can't live there until the electricity is finished)....but have found that living in the moment is the only thing I can do....and it is enough....and blessings come. Every drawer has a mountain of memories .... to keep or let go of ....it is a big job when we hold on to so much stuff .... but it will come.... it will work....He will give me what I need for the moment and I will carry on and not go backwards.....the unemcumbering (a word?) is still my heart's desire, but in HIS time not mine. Just praying for the walls to come down in the areas that keep me here! Your post is so powerful to me in many ways....He will deal with each one I know and I pray. Still yearning for more of Him in REAL ways look forward to my new spot with HIM all around. Love you and your heart and how you share it all with us....can't be easy....but know He is ministering to others thru your beautiful writing. So glad to hear from you....and that choir of birds....how I know what you are saying! What would we do without his birds and their song and free life to enjoy and look up to?

    1. Sherry,
      I know the circumstance of which you speak - about the many drawers of memories. It seems insurmountable. How can we shed our lives of the mementos - when we are so embedded in the very fabric of their memories.....I was right there 3 years ago.I gave everything away to our church's thrift store - a three bedroom house of stuff! That wasn't the hard part! The most difficult part was was sorting through the memories....What memories to physically hold on to and what to just hold in my heart. BIG BIG task! I am praying for you as I know the task before you. It can become so depressing that you lose your Joy of moving forward.....It was a 'gift' I was determined to give to my children. As I had just spent 2 months digging out of my mom and dad's home. I didn't want to burden my children with the unbearable task of going through all of my stuff.....I'm old :) I didn't need all that stuff to maintain. God wanted me to be free of it. So I could be free to follow HIM.....You speak of that freedom that awaits you in the smaller house. I agree. It will be a freedom that you have not experienced yet. But.. there will be times, when you will miss that special something 'to hold in your hand'....Therefore, I encourage you to take pictures of all your memories. The list can be quite expansive. But... I can't tell you how many 'digital treasures' i now have.....So, if the time comes and I want to put together a digital scrapbook for my kids and grand kids... I will have the pictures to write about and share.....It made the most sense to me. But I embrace 'change' much more easily than my friends. :) But again...remember, as a pastor's family, I grew up moving every three years. Change was a way of life for me.....When I finished sorting and giving away, I left for my 'road trip' to freedom...with only what I could fit in my car. :) AND... a life-time of treasured memories stored on a digital hard-drive. But again.. I didn't have a clue where the Lord was sending me. I needed to be free of baggage to GO.....
      You have a destination. You know what you can fit in your new place. But, to help with the sorting and downsizing... consider the digital world when going through your memories. It was just the thing to get me moving forward.....I pray against the tendency to stay stuck because of insurmountable decisions and attached emotions - to these memories.....God wants us free. Life is too short for chess. The precious time you spend with your children and grand children is worth more than all these earthly treasures. It is never lost!.... I love you, friend,I share my experience to encourage.. not to boast. Everyone must decide for themselves in the spirit of 'downsizing'. You are such a creative spirit - that this is quite insurmountable for you. So maybe you can think of ways to consolidate some of the mementos into art for your new place. If anyone can - you can!...Praying for you...and thank you so much for your kind words. I so appreciate your visits.

      Patrina <")>><

      ps...I know your HEART is big... I know your heart is with family! So I share this scripture for other readers as well. it just seems to fit here :)...Be in PEACE!

      "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matt. 6:19-21

  3. Patrina:
    This beautiful post moved me to tears. Mine were in a different way from yours. Our mothers both died about 10 years ago, but my 'holding on' was in another form. I held on to her life, and it took about 8-9 years for me to really let go and understand that I had ridden on her coat tails for so much of my own spiritual growth. She was so strong in the Lord. The freedom has come in knowing that He is MY God too, and all that he means for my life is as real as what he did in her life. So, even though our experiences may have been different, some of the heart tugs and freedom are similar.

    I L.O.V.E. the way God let your mother and daughter love be confirmed in those final days. It is a gift you will forever hold dear.

    Thank you for the honest sharing of your heart Patrina.



    P.S.... I wonder if our moms have met?? :)

    1. Well, dear Sonja, join the club. Tears are free and so cleansing and healing. I felt better once I poured out my heart to the Lord. He is so finite...so up close and personal. I run to Him in my sorrow and my JOY. He celebrates both with me. He just knows how to do that!

      Ya know, It was my first year in college ...and my first time away from HOME...that I had that same enlightening nudge. I can't get to heaven on my daddy's shirt tails! I must make my own personal decision to follow Christ. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. So... no matter how many times the Holy Spirit called me to the front to kneel at that altar in my High School years... I think I was counting on a free ride to heaven just because my daddy was a pastor.

      Far from the truth! The Lord knew just when and where He was going to turn the light on for me. and The Lord has been my own personal Savior, Strong Tower, Refuge, Counselor .... ever since...the list is endless.

      I am sad that we have to lose our mom's (and dad's) at some point in life. They are a huge part of who we are. I still need them. Dad is alive yet, but not in his prime and his mind really isn't the dad that I so strongly looked up to. Still, I miss his prayers, his encouragement, his sharing...his love. It is a time in his life when I am there for him as he was there for me in the earlier days. I still honor him with great love!

      Yes yes! He is OUR GOD too! Always and forever! In Christ, we have everything we need!

      Yes, That moment in ICU covers a lot of woundedness for both of us. God doesn't miss a moment, does He? There is none like Him.

      Thank you so much for visiting and picking up the pencil. I love it when others respond with their own story. Thank you for sharing about your mom. You are such a dear soul.

      Blessings to you and your family

      Patrina <")>><

      "For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
      Isaiah 9:6 NLT

  4. so short of words my dear friend...so short of words....i just don't know how to co-ordinate my thoughts right now, because i am basking in the love i can feel from your 'poem-prose'... yes! It is so clear you loved your mother, and GOD. HE is our comforter, helper..HE IS ALWAYS THERE!
    Thank you Patrina for sharing your inner-most feelings with us. xoxo.

    p.s i sent you a mail earlier this week, did you get it?

    1. Dearest Kareem,
      That's exactly how I feel when you write about God. The JOY and HONOR, and ADORATION exudes from your written words. I love being on the receiving end of your praise for Our Lord :)

      Thank you so much for visiting, always... my stats tell me that you are my biggest fan :) I love you dear one.

      Thank you for sharing your life with me. thank you for always picking up the pencil to share.

      Praying for you, as always
      Blessings to you and your family

      Patrina <")>><

      You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3 NIV

  5. My Mom went home in September, 1995 - a release from a month of pain. Dad joined her in September, 2000, after a brief battle. Both loved this verse from John: Ye have heard how I said unto you, I go away, and come again unto you. If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I. (John 14:28 KJV)

    I cannot all the time, but there are times when I plan a picnic beside the river of life, under the tree of life (Rev. 22:1-2). We'll have plenty of time to share what He has done and His plans for the future. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

    Thanks for stopping by. I've enjoyed the visit and will be back here again.

  6. Phyllis,

    Yes, We rejoice because our beloved parents are with the Father... and Jesus is right there beside Him. It takes a certain mindset to be able to rejoice from our earthly perspective ...but if we love God, we will eventually get there. Grief is such a hard path to walk ...even for those who have renewed minds in Christ. Knowing that our loved ones are with the Lord is one thing - accepting their earthly absence and learning to let go...is another mile of the journey.

    I can't fathom losing a loved one without knowing they were present with the Lord. Thankfully, I am from a family of believers. We have accepted Christ and our destination is sure.

    The picnic by the River of Life...sounds so peaceful. I love picnics! And I do spiritually bathe in the River of Life...but you have given me a new word picture here. Feasting by the River with the One and Only Jesus!

    Oh ...the goodness of God! Can anyone fathom His Love for us??

    Blessing to you and thank you so much for picking up the pencil here. I'm so glad you came.

    Patrina <")>><

    "Come To the River of Life"

    "I will REJOICE"

  7. Hello Patrina,
    What a beautiful, emotional post. I was aged 11 and in the room when my dad died. He was a wonderful father and used to go and get his Bible when myself and my siblings used to argue and we would ask 'dad, dad who's right?'. He would say 'Let's see what the Lord says.' and look into his Bible and always come up with an answer to solve our arguement. Since becoming born again of God's Holy Spirit nearly thirty years ago his words always come into my mind if a question comes up regarding doctrine or scripture. I also had an experience when my mum died which could only have been comfort from God and answer to prayer. When I was twenty eight years old I had what people call a 'death experience' and was in a beautiful place with people I had not known on earth yet with whom I had a deep bond. It was as if my twenty eight years of life was a dream and that was reality. To cut a long story short I was told it was not time yet and that I must go back. That was the beginning of my true search for God. There is no love like His love, and I too have been told to share what He gives me, and know that I can not hold on to it. I would be like a plant in a pot that had no holes underneath for the water to flow out. I would rot. God bless you in your spreading of the Gospel.

    1. Wow, Brenda, I am blessed by your sharing. What a legacy of TRUTH finding your dad gifted to you and your siblings. Priceless!

      It is apparent that God isn't finished with you yet! He sent you back to complete His purpose in you. There absolutely is no love like the Lord's love!

      thank you so much for visiting and taking the time to pick up the pencil.


      Ecclesiastes 3:2 "a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot."

      Job 14:5 "You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer."

  8. My mom got sick when I was 9 and died when I was 12. My grandmother was the only one who was there for me and she died when I was 11...I grew up alone...that ache staying with me for a long time until....He touched me with love that was sooo incredible...He turned the anger...the sadness...the grief of everything that happened around. I am so grateful and want others to know the touch of His gentleness. Hugs to you Patrina....you write beautiful.

    1. Sarah, it saddens me that so many loss 1 or both parents at such early ages. I know so many others who have. It definitely leaves its mark. I am so grateful to the Lord that He has left His Holy Spirit to comfort us in such times and direct our lives towards the HOPE of tomorrow in Him.

      As rcubes stated in her earlier comment..
      "I love that in our weakest moment Jesus never fails to show His power."

      His love never fails. He is our gentle Giant.

      thank you for picking up the pencil...thank you for your beautiful words towards me. I am quite fond of your writing too.

      Blessings and hugs sent your way today


      Psalm 100:5 "For the LORD is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation."

      Psalm 86:5 "You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you."

  9. With wet eyes I am touched my this post Patrina.

    1. Wanda,
      thank you for your visit and for picking up the pencil. I am touched that you were touched :) That is the reason for my writing... that human 'connection'... through His abiding love.

      hugs to you Wanda

      Philippians 1:9 "I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding."

  10. Replies
    1. David, as always you make a good point - in a one liner... we absolutely do HAVE such a ONE High Priest!

      Thank you so much for always visiting and picking up the pencil to share your wisdom. I so appreciate your contributions.


      John 5:19 "Jesus gave them this answer: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does."

  11. this is beautifully written and so encouraging.
    your words are full of life. thank you!


Thanks for picking up the pencil...

May the grace
of the Lord Jesus Christ,
and the love of God,
and the fellowship
of the Holy Spirit ...
be with you all.

His Warrior Bride in Boots

"HEAR The Word of The Lord"


Prayer Changes Things

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” ..... Romans 12:12





He is the LORD, The 'I AM' over our yesterdays ~ our today ~ our tomorrow

Elohim: The All-Powerful Creator

Jehovah: The Self-Revealing One

Adonai: The Owner of All

Jehovah-Jireh: The Lord Who Provides

El Shaddai: The Almighty Sufficient One

El Elion: The Most High Ruler

Jehovah Nissi: The Lord’s Banner of Victory

Jehovah Shalom: The Lord Our Peace

Jehovah Mekadesh: The Lord Who Sanctifies

Jehovah Rophe: The Lord Who Heals

Jehovah Tsikenu: The Lord My Righteousness

Jehovah Robi: The Lord My Shepherd

Immanuel: God With Us